HelloSome occasions that we quarrelled :
. . .
. . .
That is, a major quarrel almost AT LEAST ONCE every 2 weeks. And at least 1 temper flare almost every week.
This is about someone’s ethics – moral and professional – and the harrassments I was subjected to.
She had encouraged me.
Actually, I had been very scared of girls - especially pretty girls. I had told myself pretty girls would only get me into unsurmountable problems - just like my first love. In fact, I also told her these. I had also told her it was not easy for me to fall in love with a pretty girl again - but only she could finally make me do it! My First Love was in deep throes of problems. And it took me a long time , a lot of sorrows, a lot of sacrifices before I was sure I was not going to owe her anything more and finally extricated myself from that relationship.
I told her that :For many years, life for me (and my first love's) was like hell!
And for those many years, she herself had happier times than mine. She's much more lucky.
All those griefs that I had gone through ... I shared with her but she eventually still did me harm and hurt me even more. So cruel!!! It's been her game since the beginning and she continued to be reckless and shown no compassion to me at all!
My first love was shedding a lot of tears as I saw her looking my way from the bus-stop where she was standing at. I was inside a bus. As fate would have it, she saw me first - she was supposed to be taking that bus also but didn't. Those were real tears that she had shed FOR ME. And that meant A LOT to me. During that span of time, time seemed to stand still. And that was the last I saw of her. We did not get to work things out. But we had still gone through a lot of pain together. My first love decided to give herself to God.
However, she (my colleague and current heartbreaker) had never shed any tears for me. But for herself. She always want things HER WAY. And she always want the BEST FOR HERSELF ONLY.
She had encouraged me indirectly... to the extent that she managed to give me enough courage to tell her on one occasion when I came out of the washroom and happened to bump into her that I thought she would also be going for the barbecue with other colleagues. I expressed my eagerness to seeing her there. I also sent her a card to express my 'remorse' for having made a 'not so nice' remark about her on another occasion. I used to buy breakfast at the bridge near the office. When I was in the queue behind her, she would turn around and smile widely at me. Even when we were not in the same queue and far apart, she also threw me wide smiles. But I never wanted to chat with her for long. I was feeling lost.
She encouraged me but I felt uncomfortable about a few things - the office setting and her seemingly eagerness to make me interested but her playing hard to get everytime when I finally did get interested. She was playing and playing hard to get. I shared with my friends what she was making me feel - that she's hard to get. I bide my time. Friends finally told me I was really taking my own sweet time. On hearing the details that I told them about then, they told me I should be more proactive (not just being reactive).
In the meantime, I didn't want to spill the beans out in front of my colleagues. I thought "What if it's going to work out next time? Won't it be very stressful if other colleagues know I was going with a HR personnel ?". I won't want to hurt her by telling people that she encouraged me. But did she ever try to hurt me ? [1]
However, I was already very stressed out by her. Finally, one day when I was at the ECP with my colleagues during lunch time, my face turned pale and I blacked out briefly on the table. I could not take her tactics. I had the feeling that I was being used to show that she's desirable (or that sort).
Eventually, from Feb onwards, I stopped going to the bridge to buy breakfast during the usual time that she would be there. Sometimes, I even deliberately avoided the place when I found her around.
Throughout the relationship with her later, I had always mentioned that I didn’t feel right about being a third party. She always said that their relationship had tapered off. And she always wanted to take me back whenever I ignored her or I wanted to break off with her.
On the Friday night before a colleague's (who happens to be her former classmate also) wedding, 2 other colleagues mentioned about her having a boyfriend. I was very miserable but kept to myself. After leaving the office, I took a walk for quite a distance, trying to clear my thoughts and ease my mood. I was very miserable. Very sad. Then, she paged me. This time, I didn't return her page until 5-10 minutes later when she paged me again. I told her I was disturbed by what they said and I had walked from the office to Westin Stamford. She said THAT THAT WAS IN THE PAST. She tried convincing me of that. Sometime later, she scolded me for staying back in the office because there were 2 girls that I could talk to. But I happened to talk to them only as I was on my way out of the office. She threw tantrums at me for 'giving attention to other girls' (but she knows it's impossible for me and them!). And we continued to talk for almost an hour with me trying to appease her because of her unreasonableness instead. When I reached home, we continued to talk on the phone again.
She paged me every morning around 6:40am. And we used to have a morning chat on the phone before leaving for work. Initially, she used to scold me for returning her paging late or not noticing her page. We had heated arguments because of my pager - to the extent that I told her I would unsubscribe from the paging service. Later, I got used to returning her page as promptly as possible.
She said she wanted to watch our spendings but she continued to want to travel in cabs and go to restaurants. She said she does not step into the hawker centre because she's afraid of cats. Double standards ...
Me
05/27/98 06:58 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Something interesting :-) to share
Hello,
Sorry but I just cannot resist the temptation. :-) Because of Zhang HuiMei's fever this week, you actually remind me of her.
First, I noticed that you were on half-day leave yesterday. So I thought "Did you go to Zhang HuiMei's concert the night before also which actually lasted so long - 3 hours ?"
Then, upon looking at your new hair-style again today, I kind of feel they look like her's - the :-) Zhang HuiMei's hairstyle. Interesting.
Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to access my own web site at :
[Deleted]
If your PC has a soundcard, then you'll be able to hear some sound 'effects' from the web pages as well. But I've not updated the web pages for a long time already. In the near future, you can expect to find cartoons that I had drawn :-) on display at the web site. Then, it'll probably look more interesting. (You may extend this invite to your colleagues on my behalf)
Please give me your comments.
Bye. And if you're going to her concert again tonite, have fun!
[eeeeeee]
05/28/98 01:32 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Something interesting :-) to share (Document link not
converted)
Sorry, I only retrieved your e-mail today. I did not attend the concert but attend my driving lesson as my test is coming. So I need more practice.
Actually, I wanted to go to the Zhang Hui-Mei concert but finally decided not to becos I am not really too crazy about her. But I will definitely attend the concert of Zhou Hua Jian if there is one.
It's very interesting that you could draw cartoons. For your information, I like to draw too but only Garfields. Maybe some day we could exchange with each other.
Got to go.
Bye.
[eeeeeee]
05/28/98 07:22 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Website
Yah. I forgot to tell u that I do not have internet browser. So I won't be able to view your web page when you have updated it.
Maybe u can show me the hard copy instead.
Bye.
Me
06/01/98 12:36 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Hello (Document link not converted)
Hello [eeeeeee],
What a coincidence!
My resolution for the year is to pick up my driving but I have shelved it
to the second half of the year. And I intend to pass it at one go so that I
can finish the year with a drive. Heh heh ... ambitious hor ?
>
> Actually, I wanted to go to the Zhang Hui-Mei concert but finally decided
> not to becos I am not really too crazy about her. But I will definitely
> attend the concert of Zhou Hua Jian if there is one.
But I am very crazy about her.
And I have also always liked Zhou Hua Jian's songs. Actually, I tend to
appreciate Chinese songs more - the likes of Jacky Cheung, Faye Wong, Eric
Moo,
Tarcy Su, ... Anyway, do you like Kitaro music ?
Oh yes, Garfield is so cute. Mebbe you can teach me to draw Garfields
sometime later ?
See you around.
[eeeeeee]
06/01/98 02:10 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Hello (Document link not converted)
No, I don't really appreciate Kitaro music.
As for Garfields, we can exchange pointers one of these days.
Bye.
From : Me
To : [eeeeeeee]
Date: Thu, 4 Jun 1998
Subject: Comics
Hello
Just happens that I have the following drawing with me now and thought of sharing with you.
Would you like to guess when (clue : in terms of years) I drew this ?
See you.
Oh, by the way, also do hope you'll enjoy the comic strip below :
[copyrighted Garfield comic deleted]
[eeeeeee]
06/05/98 08:50 AM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Comics (Document link not converted)
Did u draw that when u are 8 years old? If I'm right, do I get any rewards? Just Joking.
What a surprise that u are now in IT. U should be a cartoonist instead since u can draw so well.
By the way, out of curiousity, may I ask why do u always place your e-mail of importance mode? Do u do that to every e-mail u sent?
I like the Garfield comic very much. Thank you.
Bye.
[eeeeeee]
06/05/98 06:39 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: No reply
Are u in the office today?
I ask becos I've not received a reply from u whether I've guessed correctly.
If u see this e-mail, please revert asap becos I'm anxious to know whether I'm close to the answer. That's why there's this saying that goes "Curiousity can kill a cat". By the way, I'm terrified of cats BUT not Garfields.
Bye.
Me
06/08/98 12:39 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Another comic
Hello,
Very sorry for not replying earlier. I was on half day on Friday.
Actually, I stopped drawing so much a long time ago but have kept my past
drawings to this day (and they are getting dusty by the day). Only you, my
best friend and his girlfriend have seen them.
Well, when I was going on to Sec Four, I made the resolution to go into the
IT
line. I became the only person in my class who dared to take up Computer
Science in JC and then in NUS.
By the way, I just knew that I have always subconsciously set the e-mail
mode to you to :
Importance : High, and
Delivery Priority : High.
I asked myself why also. Perhaps to ensure you get my message.
Anyway, since you're so smart, here's another for you to guess. Last week I
sent you a fat one, today I am sending you a :-) thin one.
Looks like you're on your way to score a double.
See you around.
[eeeeeee]
06/08/98 02:10 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Another comic (Document link not converted)
Hey, you still have not answered me whether I've guessed
correctly. Trying to evade giving me rewards, right?
As for this time, I think you might have drawn it when you are
in late Primary or early secondary, Hope that I will get
another reward this time.
My comment for your drawing is
"Well Done. Keep it up!"Bye.
P.S. Hope you will revert soonest.
Me
06/08/98 02:20 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: Another comic (Document link not converted)
Wow! You might as well said I had drawn it when I was either in Primary or
Seconday or JC or varsity.
Anyway, you really scored a double.
See you at the game tonight.
[eeeeeee]
06/08/98 02:33 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Another comic (Document link not converted)
So are u going to tell me when did u draw them?
If u are not, then
I'm going to bother u with e-mail everydaytill u give up on me
.
Me
06/08/98 02:35 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: Another comic (Document link not converted)
You are right on.
You're NOT a bother.
[eeeeeee]
06/08/98 02:37 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Another comic (Document link not converted)
You think I'm so stupid!
In that case, I won't play this game with u. By playing,
I'm actually walking into a trap that u set.
NO WAY!
See u.
Me
06/08/98 02:41 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Hi,
You are correct in guessing.
No trap here.
You are not angry, are you ? Very sorry.
[eeeeeee]
06/08/98 02:45 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
Don't worry. I'm only joking with u.
No hard feelings.
Me
06/08/98 02:46 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
Phew.
Me
06/08/98 03:27 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Hello,
I heard [aaaaa], [ararar] and you are playing Badminton tonight.
May I know how are you getting to the CC tonight.
I am going for a meeting very soon and should be out before 5.30pm.
See you.
[eeeeeee]
06/08/98 04:49 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
I will be going there with [aaaaa] and [ararar]. I heard from [aaaaa] that [kkkkk]
may give us a lift.
What about yourself?
[eeeeeee]
06/09/98 12:28 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Astro
Do u believe in astro intelligence?
If u do, please click below for something quite interesting. If not, please ignore this.
Anyway, I know that u will still click below to find out as I believe u are a curious person.
Hope u find this interesting and useful! See u.
Me
06/09/98 12:43 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Garfield again
Hi,
Thought you sent me something about [AAAA]. Anyway, I remember I still owe
you your rewards.
For the moment, hope you'll enjoy the following.
[eeeeeee]
06/09/98 12:57 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Garfield again (Document link not converted)
Thank you. I enjoyed the comic very much.
What about yourself? Did u find "Astro" useful?
What a coincidence! Now, I realised that we have the same letterhead for our e-mail.
Just a side question. Are you on diet? If not, why are u still in the office at this time? Better go for your lunch.
See you.
Me
06/09/98 02:17 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Has been very busy since morning. Just deployed a newly-developed program.
Only able to take a breather now.
See you.
[eeeeeee]
06/09/98 03:14 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Thanks again
Got to say thanks again for your comic.
Really in a bad mood now! Fortunately, your comic at least is a consolation to me.
Really appreciate very much.
Bye.
Me
06/09/98 04:31 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Actually, just saw your message.
Are you okay now?
Have been busy again but it's no excuse - still remember I owe you a double.
See you.
[eeeeeee]
06/09/98 05:52 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
Still the same. Any suggestions?
Me
06/09/98 06:08 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
All along I have one idea. Now I must ensure that you'll like the idea. I'll know the complete detail soon.
Actually, very tired :-) today as I woke up a few times last night. Don't know what got into me.
Bye. Got to go and meet up with my Uncle for something.
Hope you'll cheer up soon.
Oh ... just remembered that I have one other drawing with me now to share with you.
Me
06/09/98 06:12 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Take care
By the way, just curious.
How come you did not go out for lunch also?
Take care.
Me
06/10/98 08:56 AM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: How are you?
Very sorry ... I left to meet my Uncle before I could see your last two
messages.
I must have some ideas before I make suggestions, right ?
Anyway, how are you feeling this morning ?
Me
06/10/98 12:26 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Hi.
Phew. Just finished the messy task of preparing a datafile to send to Hong Kong.
Regarding that kind of stuff, I guess I don't really believe in them. I've not seen one before also.
When I was living in kampong (hee... guess you'll be giggling again at this moment) and the street lights didn't work, I still ventured out alone. What talk of banana tree ghost and such didn't really bother me. But since I was so young then, I could only tell myself to be vigilant to the surroundings. Nothing out of the ordinary happened so far.
However, I had the weirdest nightmare in my life when I was doing my National Service. I woke up with a cold sweat. Very weird really 'cos it's a bit high-tech :-) too.
But I am very curious of tales of such kind and that photo you sent really seem scary enough to some people. I am a X-phile.
By the way, it was very interesting reading the messages from the astro intelligence program. However, I've seen similar comments about my sign before. Really laughed myself out of my seat.
Got to go.
[eeeeeee]
06/10/98 04:38 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Ghosts
So u don't believe in "that stuff". I do believe becos I met one
before. So scary!
Who knows that u might meet one tonight. Sorry, just a joke.
See u.
[eeeeeee]
06/10/98 06:01 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject:
Are u mad with me for saying that you might meet "that stuff"
tonight?
I'm just being naughty. I don't mean it.
Sorry again.
From: Me @ HOME
To: <[eeeeeee]@>
Subject: Do you want your rewards ? They're ready.
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 01:06:43 +0800
Hello [eeeeeee],
Contrary to what you said yesterday, there was :-) not a ghost in sight for me last night. Guess since I've never done anything against my conscience, 'they' din see me and so there's nothing to be afraid of.
Anyway, isn't it good that I'm not as scared of those kind of ghostly stuffs ? I'll be glad to be your knight-in-armour anytime, if you will give me the chance. Or even if you :-( don't actually.
By the way, I don't understand why I have been waking up from my sleep so many time the past few nights. Definitely not anything to do with ghosts or nightmares of such kind. One thing I'm sure is : a wonderful person like you should be able to help me to understand myself a lot better. And since you're so smart anyway. So, looks like you're on your way to score a hat-trick, if you do help me.
Also, since you've been moody lately, I was thinking of how to really cheer you up. I mean, can we talk about it ? I mean, can I get to know you ? I mean, can I get to know the [eeeeeee] when not in the office ? I mean, as a real friend ?
To give you your rewards and to get your help for my sleep 'disorders' mentioned, I wish to date you on this Saturday, 5.30 pm. Now, really ... do you want your rewards ? They're :-) ready already.
Please revert to me soonest possible. I'm very anxious to know whether you want your rewards.
Interestingly, I was very crazy about the World Cup previously. Now, it's not so much. Want to know why? Make a guess. But :-) you're so smart.
See you.
Me
06/11/98 12:40 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Ring. Ring.
Hi. Another comic for you.
[eeeeeee]
06/11/98 12:46 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Ring. Ring. (Document link not converted)
I'm sorry if I have said something that upset u.
Please accept my sincere apologies.
I'm really sorry.
Hope that u will give me a call and we talk about this.
See u.
[eeeeeee]
06/11/98 03:05 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Are u okay?
Seriously, I'm very worried now. Are u alright?
Can u at least give me a reply? I really want to know how are u feeling now.
Please do not let this jeopardize our usual communication or friendship at least.
Promise?
Bye.
[eeeeeee]
06/11/98 04:16 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Can we talk?
Can u talk now? If yes, give me a ring.
If not,
would u like to call me at home? At least, give me a chance to say something.P.S. If u choose to ignore me or this e-mail, then there's nothing I can do but feel disappointed.
Regards.
Me
06/11/98 04:46 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Hi.
Hi,
Just finished solving a major problem. Took all of us by surprise as it was very unusual. In the end, I just worked around it. So, seems ok now.
Anyway, I think you had misunderstood the comic I sent. It was just a comic. But I would really like to talk to you after office hours. Can we exchange phone numbers? Mine is : [Deleted] (Home), [Deleted] (Pager).
I think things have reached the point that we may be misunderstanding each other very easily.
Actually, just don't feel quite right today.
Anyway, if you're ok, I'll be ok. Thanks.
Me
06/11/98 04:50 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Sorry but maybe I'm very weak today.
See you.
From: Me
To: <[eeeeeee]@>
Subject: Can we clear the air ?
Date: Fri, 12 Jun 1998 00:21:29 +0800
It's only just minutes ago that I saw the first message you sent to me today. You had sent it to my home e-mail account instead. So, I was not aware of it while in the office,
And I guess, I'm lucky. Because if I had read that and then read your message saying "Can u at least give me a reply? I really want to know how are u feeling now. Please do not let this jeopardize our usual communication or friendship at least.", it would really spoil my day as I would be very offended.
Personally, if you were so worried, why wouldn't you give me a call instead. And by the way, I don't like our usual communication or friendship. I just feel you're very childish.
As I've said, the comic I sent was just a comic. You don't have to read so much into it.
> 4) Of course, u can know me better as a friend but can we just be good
> friends instead?
Of course!
Remember when I was trying to ask you out for a movie the other night but you turned me down. Well, I deserved the rejection, I guess. I just wanted to ask whether we could do something together outside office. That was because I was still very much infatuated with you and I wanted to try to correct that. To correct that, I wanted to know you more, at least as a colleague. Even though I was disappointed initially, but later I felt much better than I had ever been in the few months before then. But when you smiled so much nicely at me the next morning, I became confused. I felt it was very cruel of you. I remember I was shaking my head on my way out of the pantry.
In any case, I've just been trying to make friends with you but the atmosphere has not been right. Remember the first and only time you ever called me on the phone ? At that time, I was feeling very drowsy because of the Muscle Relaxant I had taken for my neck pain then. And especially after [deleted]. There seems to be many misunderstandings between us. It was so stupid of me as I didn't even know whether you have a boyfriend. I didn't even know whether I would be offending you. Worst of all, I din even realise you had paged me until much later.
I've always hoped we can be good friends. And of course we can be. What else are you thinking of ? Surely, it's not only now that you know I was infatuated with you ? And anyway, you had rejected me before, right ? Isn't that enough ?
There is a reason why I was infatuated with you. And it's for that same reason why I'm not anymore from now on. So you don't have to worry. Whether we can be good friends or not does not depend on me alone but also on you.
I think we may have more misunderstandings after this. Don't know whether you think we should meet each other over the weekends to know each other or at least to clear any misunderstandings ? I really wonder.
Maybe I'll just walk over to your department to talk to you. Or I may try to figure out when we happen to pass by each other whether you want to talk. I don't know. I don't have any answers.
I feel very hurt ! But I heave a sigh of relief. And maybe, you will and should also.
Perhaps, to right all wrongs that I might have been committed, I now give you the reassurance that I'm taking you as a mere colleague in the office. I won't bother you unnecessarily. Sorry for any trouble caused.
Me
06/12/98 12:47 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Just to say :
I stood by what I said in the e-mail to you last night.
Basically, it's not possible being a friend to you as that's what I've been trying to do prior to yesterday anyway. But you were the one who din want to talk to me or at least you found it difficult to do so. Actually, you can't deny I've been trying to approach you since February but you din want, or at least found difficulty talking to me.
What you did yesterday was very unnecessary. And you never learn. I don't appreciate what help you think could be rendering me by calling me this
morning. Sorry, but I don't want to fall into your trap. I was doing well early this morning but your call really broke whatever strong front I tried to put up.What I am trying to say is that : we must realise we have not really talked and understand each other so much for me to consider you a friend. Maybe later we can be friends but definitely not now.
I'll treat you as a mere colleague. And I'm happy with that. Basically, I'm wary of your character because I don't really trust my judgement and I don't know you really. It's all uncalled for.
Hope you understand.
Me
06/12/98 07:03 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
I'm very confused.
You are perhaps right. I don't have to think about anything. Guess I'll do whatever I'm really happy with and not think so much about anything really.
Whether we can be friends or not does not depend on me alone.
What I mean is :
if we are still friends, I will continue to woo you - and this time at all costs; if we stay as mere colleagues, maybe we can become friends again - but maybe.
So, do you feel we can still be friends now ?
Maybe I really mistook your intentions calling me this morning. But can you tell me direct ? I already told you I'll mistake you if you did like the day after the first time I tried to date you. And early this morning, I really tried very hard to put on a strong front. But you shattered it so easily.
I guess I can only say this much more.
Wish you happiness.
But you really slammed me real hard the second time round.
[eeeeeee]
06/12/98 07:06 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: (Document link not converted)
I'm really hurt by you. I really mean well this morning and nothing else. I swear!
Since you are so sensitive about my call or even my appearance, maybe I should try to avoid you then.
Bye.
From: Me@HOME
To: <[eeeeeee]@>
Subject: We have a a lot of misunderstanding.
Date: Sun, 14 Jun 1998 01:59:44 +0800
Everytime I left the office, I always felt very lost and miserable. It's because you would disappear from my life like the flip of a switch. I'm actually happier in the office because you're around. But you have been so near but yet so far during the last 4 months. After office hours, you're even farther away.
I could only connect you to my life via my many hopes, dreams, and impressions about you. I have been feeling very painful.
To say that I wanted to treat you as a mere colleague was really bluffing myself. It's not possible at all ! It's just that you hurt me too much. You literally threw me from Mt Everest into the deepest abyss of misery.
We do have a lot of misunderstanding.
Our communications between Wednesday and Thursday did create great misunderstanding between us. If you were to read those sequence of messages you sent to me (which are reproduced below) again, you may be able to understand why I felt so hurt. I'll wait patiently for your reply.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> [eeeeeee]
> 06/10/98 06:01 PM
>
> Subject:
>
> Are u mad with me for saying that you might meet "that stuff"
> tonight?
>
> I'm just being naughty. I don't mean it.
>
> Sorry again.
>
In the morning of Thursday, I was hoping you would reply me regarding my attempt to date you, but my wait was in vain. So, I sent you the comic to project that I would be very disappointed if you were trying to turn me down. I sent you that comic with "Ring Ring" in the subject line because I wanted a reply from you. However, you sent me the following :
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> [eeeeeee]
> 06/11/98 12:46 PM
>
> Subject: Re: Ring. Ring.
>
> I'm sorry if I have said something that upset u.
I thought you were referring to everything that you'd said to me so far. I was confused and didn't know how to reply you.
>
> Please accept my sincere apologies.
>
> I'm really sorry.
>
> Hope that u will give me a call and we talk about this.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> [eeeeeee]
> 06/11/98 03:05 PM
>
> Subject: Are u okay?
>
> Seriously, I'm very worried now. Are u alright?
>
> Can u at least give me a reply? I really want to know how are u
> feeling now.
This is really the first one that I was offended by. You were actually ASKING ME TO TELL YOU HOW I WAS FEELING when I didn't even manage to get a reply from you as to how you felt about going out with me on Saturday (well, at this writing, it's Saturday, and I'm very sad). I was waiting and I was very sad and disappointed. I really felt like saying "Yes - I'm dying for your reply. So, are you happy?"
>
> Please do not let this jeopardize our usual communication or friendship
> at least.
This is perhaps the ultimate.
You didn't manage to send that reply to me in office, so I was waiting in vain. I had also tried so hard to approach you during the last 4 months but you always shy away. And then, you were then actually asking me not to jeopardize that "usual communication or friendship at least".
I felt you wanted me to continue to wait in vain forever and ever - not just that reply but my whole life. I felt so hurt.
>
> Promise?
And you wanted a promise. That was it - I became angry with the whole thing.
> Bye.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> [eeeeeee]
> 06/11/98 04:16 PM
>
> To: Me
> cc:
> Subject: Can we talk?
>
> Can u talk now? If yes, give me a ring.
You wanted to know whether I was dying ?
>
> If not, would u like to call me at home?
I really wanted to call u at home BUT I don't have your home number. Were you trying to tell me THAT ?
"So you want me to call you at your line - because that was the only number I ever knew - and tell you how sad I was ?", I thought.
>
> At least, give me a chance to say something.
Then, you wanted to "say something" ?.
>
> P.S. If u choose to ignore me or this e-mail, then there's nothing I can
> do but feel disappointed.
I became confused. Then I thought really I might have misunderstood your last couple of messages. So I sent you the following 2 :
=Me
=06/11/98 04:46 PM
=
=Subject: Hi.
=
=Hi,
=
=Just finished solving a major problem. Took all of us by surprise as it
= was very unusual. In the end, I just worked around it. So, seems ok now.
=
=Anyway, I think you had misunderstood the comic I sent. It was just a
=comic. But I would really like to talk to you after office hours. Can we
=exchange phone numbers? Mine is : [Deleted] (Home), [Deleted] (Pager).
=
=I think things have reached the point that we may be misunderstanding each
=other very easily.
=
=Actually, just don't feel quite right today.
=
=Anyway, if you're ok, I'll be ok. Thanks.
=
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
=Me
=06/11/98 04:50 PM
=
=Subject:
=
=Sorry but maybe I'm very weak today.
=
=See you.
When I reached home and found the message that you had actually sent to my home, I stared hard at these words "Of course, u can know me better as a friend but can we just be good friends instead? Kindly revert as I value our friendship very much.".
I felt you had sent the message purposefully to my home because you "value our friendship very much". So, I had no chance at all, I thought. But I like you a lot. I was very sad.
On the whole, I was hurt by you very much. Of course, I was hoping for your friendship (at least) all this while but your messages seemed to tell me I should not try anything more than that. You did not tell me whether you would like to come out with me.
I thought you had accepted my correspondence with you via e-mail with the intention of setting me up so as to ensure I know you do not like me. You wanted to raise my hopes, throw me down real hard, and then put it directly to me to take you as a friend - even though you had turned me down before ? When I said it was very unnecessary of you, I was referring to this.
Then you called. I was very confused by your intentions and what you were trying to tell me. We were definitely not in the same frame of mind. I was talking to you with a very bruised heart already. And you were not helping it heal.
You wanted me to tell you what I saw in you. You wanted me to talk. You were taking each and every piece of what was left of my hopes, dreams and chances away. In the end, I was left with nothing - no dreams, hopes nor chances. I was in great shock. I was thrown down very hard by you. And you kept insisting on having a friendship. I thought I'm doomed. You are seeing someone and you don't want to give me any chances ?
Anyway, all these while, I was trying to talk to you and make you accept my friendship but I never thought you would put it in such a manner to me. You threw me down very hard.
I told you I would mistake your intentions if you were to be very nice to me immediately again after you rejected my dates. That would be very cruel to me and hurt me further. Anyway, did you receive the e-mail I sent to you after I spoke with you on Thursday night ?
On Friday, I went to office with a very bruised heart. I tried very hard to put on a strong front. All it took was a call from you to shatter it. I felt very hurt and helpless because of your recent approaches. You confused me and you weakened me a lot. It seemed you had set me up in a game - and to you, it seemed it's just a game. I just wanted to stop it, and I told you I was going to treat you as a mere colleague out of impulse.
Isn't our relationship more than that ? You are a very special person to me anyway. I have fallen for you very deeply. And I do value you as a good friend.
But my feelings for you are more than just that of a good friend.
From: [eeeeeee]@
To: <Me@HOME>
Date: Thu, 11 Jun 1998 12:08:44 +0800
Subject: Re: Do you want your rewards ? They're ready.
Thanks for using NetForward!
http://www.netforward.com
v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v
1) Are u trying to imply that I've done something wrong and that's why I've seen "that stuff" (just joking)?
2) By the way, why do u keep saying that I'm smart. I don't find myself smart? Maybe u can enlighten me.
3) So every night, u are a fan of World Cup, Beware that u don't oversleep or else u will be late for work. Personally, I used to watch World Cup when I'm much younger but now maybe becos of age, I'm not really keen anymore.
4) Of course, u can know me better as a friend but can we just be good friends instead? Kindly revert as I value our friendship very much.
See u.
Me
06/15/98 08:41 AM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject:
Sorry ... only received your message you sent last Friday night.
You misunderstood me a lot. Can let me say something ?
Please let me call you at home, ok ?
[eeeeeee]
06/15/98 03:25 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Misunderstandings
Yes, we have too many misunderstandings which we need to clarify and resolve.
To be frank with you, I'm utterly hurt and offended by your nasty e-mail on last friday.
Do let me cool down first for a few more days before I have a good talk with you.
Got to go.
************************************************************
So I received [eeeeeee]'s first call to my house that night.
We talked for at least an hour. I confided in her. And she said "she has a boyfriend of 8 years". I was very sad and shocked.
I told her not to avoid me on purpose. That would make me misunderstand her (FURTHER).
************************************************************
[eeeeeee]
06/16/98 12:57 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Sorry
I would like to apologise for my strange behaviour this morning.
When I saw you at [sssssss]'s place, I took a detour. Come to think of it, it was really silly of me! I could not really explain why. Perhaps, I'm shy or what but I really don't know.
I know you have requested me not to avoid you but do give me some time and I'm sure I will be able to do it.
Really sorry about this.
P.S. Please do not throw any more nasty e-mail at me as I already admitted my mistake. I can't take any more of those stuff again, please....
Me
06/16/98 01:28 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Thanks.
Actually, I have been feeling all along that you're shy but at the same time, you're quite a daring (well, at least, in your own words) person. Or am I talking about myself ?
I thought I was sensitive again this morning. Thanks for explaining your trying not to avoid me.
By the way, hope we won't hurt each other anymore.
I feel like a zombie today in more ways than one. Probably because I need more time to digest what you said but I never have enough of anything you say. I just like to talk to you. So, how are you today ?
See you around, okay ?
Me
06/16/98 07:31 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: Sorry
Hi,
I kept looking at your e-mail today about you not able to take "any more of those stuffs" again.
Just wondering whether it is because you thought you've known me enough already. If that's the case, I'll be very sad. I'm very afraid that because I've burdened you with too many things that I've said, you'll continue to misunderstand me. I'll really like to talk to you more to prevent any misunderstanding that can arise.
And please do not avoid me, okay ?
Since you probably have enough of those stuffs, I would like to talk about something light with you now. May I know what you like to do in your spare time ?
See you.
Me
06/16/98 07:57 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Hi.
I'm trying to finish up some things here but wonder whether you're still around.
Anyway, just like to reiterate that as long as you're not married, I won't give you up. I'm happy this way.
Really got to thank you for untying the knot that I told you about. But ... only you could do it.
See you.
[eeeeeee]
06/16/98 07:58 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Hi.
I'm still around.
[eeeeeee]
06/16/98 08:01 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Sorry (Document link not converted)
No, not another misunderstanding please.
When I mentioned "those stuff", I meant your nasty e-mail.
I think both of us are not in the same frame of mind most of the time.
Don't you agree?
Me
06/16/98 08:06 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Are you done for the day soon ?
I've just finished my bit of work here. Are you done soon ?
Thought of talking to you while on the way out.
See you.
Me
06/16/98 08:14 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Re: Sorry (Document link not converted)
No, I don't agree. I'm not arguing but the reason is that there is an imbalance.
You know me more than I know you. Thus, you may be assuming certain things about me. And I also assume certain things about you. But they may be vastly different.
I would like to know you more.
Me
06/16/98 08:19 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: See you.
Ooops ... having a stomachache now. Anyway, have you had dinner ?
Got to go. In great pain now.
But it's ok - should be out of the restroom in about 10 mins time - 8.30pm.
See you around.
************************************************************
I received [eeeeeee]'s call to my house again - on that night.
She asked why I had wanted to talk to her while on the way out. We chatted.
************************************************************
Me
06/19/98 01:22 PM
To: [eeeeeee]
cc:
Subject: Sis
Hi,
Just like to ask something directly which is not about you or me :-)
My sis, [jjjj], is finishing her Industrial Attachment next week, but she is not continuing in her role there as a programmer but wants to pursue a Human Resource career. As I told you Last Thursday, if she can further her studies sooner, that will be even better. You mentioned something about that last time.
Please let me know anytime later if and when you're ready with those materials, okay ? Thanks in advance.
[eeeeeee]
06/19/98 02:47 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Re: Sis (Document link not converted)
Hi.
I have those materials with me now.
Do you want me to pass them to you?
Bye.
[eeeeeee]
06/19/98 05:13 PM
To: Me
cc:
Subject: Materials
For your info, I will be on one week leave commencing from 22 June 1998 to 26 June 1998.
So if you need the material urgently for your sister, then you better get them from me by today. (Anyway, I won't leave the office early)
If not, I can pass them to you when I'm back.
Bye.
So, I went to look for her at her department before I left for home.
She was with [JJJJ]. I took the NTU prospectus ( a very old one) from her. She also attached a lengthy note to my sis about entry to NTU courses.
As I was leaving for home, I thought about what she had done and felt so touched. I also felt I had to give her up. Apprarently, to me then, she was treating me as a friend.
The next day, 06/20/98, I was VERY surprised when she called me at home in the morning. She asked "you wanted to talk to me last night ?". That made me even more surprised. I thought she was giving me a chance.
That morning, we talked for a few hours till 4pm also. Then, we talked for a couple of hours more again that evening – till past 11pm. The next day, Sunday, we talked again. We talked for many hours. Around 5pm, she made me guess her pager number and home telephone number. Finally, she allowed me to know what they are.
Throughout that whole week she was on leave, we talked on almost, if not, every night.
So during the next month, we continued to converse on the phone a lot. On many occasions, we talked into the night, sacrificing our sleep even though we had to work later. I continued talking to her for long hours as she also didn’t seem to want to hang up. And I liked talking to her.
Eventually, she installed a second telephone line in her room so that we would not hold up her family’s main line.
I had cautioned her about us not getting enough rest. But she always said she could go on like that for 2 consecutive days. Eventually, she fell sick. She even fell asleep on her desk during office hours.
Naturally, I was touched by her enthusiasm and interest in having conversations with me.
But she always wanted to talk on the phone only. She said I would go after her if we were to meet but I kept trying to date her. I was helpless.
We quarrelled over the phone also.
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