On Valentine's Day (the day that she went for her ROM) between 11pm and 1am, I talked to a colleague over the phone from outside. That colleague was looking for me since Friday evening (I had sent to that colleague on that Thursday the following text). That colleague was afraid I would do something silly to myself.

I said I would not harm her. I had overcome my anger. And I was working hard towards getting over the shock she had put me through especially with the way she had broken off with me.

It has been very distressful for me because she was someone that I had cared about very much. But I am utterly disgusted with what she had done to hurt me. And now I know she did them deliberately – right from the beginning.

I was actually willing to put the whole unhappy and disappointing episode behind me but she was just too much! Even though I finally got to know her true self myself, I still called her to offer my friendship [1] [2] many times but she rejected them outright. She said she had made up her mind and she had picked her choice. But did she ? I wonder. Was there a choice in the first place ? Did she ever want to do so at all ? Didn’t I treat her with my friendship [1] [2] right from the start ? How about her ?

That Sunday night (20 Dec), we had a chat on the phone for some time. Then, she told me she was going out for supper around 10pm and asked whether I would want her to phone me when she come back. She phoned me later when she got back and in the midst of the ensuing 1-hour long conversation, she asked me not to let him know as it would hurt him. Did she really mean if I could keep our affair a secret, we could still carry on ?

I said it was unfair to me and that I could not be the one to think for him. (Wasn’t that obvious?) I said I was very worried about her health as I believed she was still juggling two relationships at the same time and it was not easy for her (meaning also not easy for me as well). I told her she could be frank with me if she had to go out with him sometimes – that it was one thing that I (and we) had to learn to accept. A relationship has to be built on trust. I felt it was better that way since she had always tried to find excuses – and very silly ones (maybe because she did not try hard enough to find good excuses) – anyway. I was very worried about her health and I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE HER TOTALLY because of her health. She had told me that only he and I know her actual health condition – that she can get numb on one side of her body sometimes.

I tried to make her understand that since she was the one caught in the middle, she should be the one trying to be discreet to both of us guys. (And I was not a willing party) As it was very late already (around 1am), I told her I could not give her that promise, there and then, not to let him know but we could talk about it again some other time. I felt we had to be constructive and we could still talk about it again. However, I sensed a sudden change in her tone and speech and she ended the conversation very shortly after. She did not want to talk anymore. And all that happened just one-and-a-half day after we came back from a hotel. (Today happens to be exactly 4 months after the first time).

The next day, I was on leave. Before she left for work, we chatted on the phone and she happily asked me to send her some job advertisements. Later that whole morning, she did not call me at all from the office. When I called her around lunch time, she told me she was very unhappy – that it was the most unhappy time of her life. But I could not tell it from her tone at all. I was very sad when she told me she had told him and she was going to tell him more. I was very shocked. I thought we were supposed to talk about that issue among ourselves again first. I felt I was left in the lurch. I had no idea what she was actually trying to accomplish with what she felt she was doing. I tried to date her to talk that night but she said she couldn’t turn up. I called her from below her block that night (at around 10:30pm and around 1am later) but she was very unattentive and not keen to talk. The next day around lunch-time, I even sent her a long email telling her not to keep me waiting and leave me in the lurch. I asked her to be sincere.

However, she ignored my pleas. She kept me waiting on purpose for 2 days. I had to phone her that Tuesday night. Around 10pm that night, she said "I love him. And I want to be with him only." And that was all that she wanted to say. I was very shocked. I could not feel any sincerity in her words , about her choice, how she had made her choice, how she had wanted to let me know of that, etc. I felt she was arrogant. I told her she must have made that ‘choice’ because it was the easier choice and she would want to plan for the holiday season and tours in the new year.

Indeed, I was very devastated but I could only try to let go if she could be happy that way. I remembered I had also attempted to break off with her many times. But why did she use her health to get me back just one-and-a-half weeks earlier when I had ignored her repeatedly ? And then why did she throw [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] me down so hard very soon after our last rendezvous at the hotel ?

I felt I might have misunderstood her. I told her she had never introduced her friends to me – but she had always said she had not many friends. I felt I could be more constructive about what she had told me and wanted to offer her my friendship [1] [2]. I also asked her to come out to talk about it. If it had been her decision, she could tell me directly in my face. I just had to accept that.

She refused my friendship [1] [2] many times. Even after I knew the truth later – and I mean the truth – I still continued to offer my friendship [1] [2]. I wanted a better (and NOT a very bitter) Christmas. I told her we had to talk to iron out any misunderstandings since I was the more mature one. She said there wasn’t any misunderstandings. And she did not need to explain anything! I said we would see each other in the office and we should talk to each other in person.

She said she had tendered her resignation. However, we had talked about her resigning before and we all knew that the company would not let her go. She told me so on a few occasions. There was no need for her to resign anyway. She said she was also leaving for a long holiday and when she comes back, she will be going for ROM on Valentine’s Day, which happens to be her birthday. I was very shocked that she had planned all these within that couple of days that I was waiting for her to talk to me.

We were supposed to be celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve together. In the spirit of Christmas, tried as I could to offer friendship [1] [2], she didn’t want to have a friendship [1] [2]. Even though I was not the protagonist.

Knowing her, as I had with all my heart, she had wanted to leave me behind feeling very miserable about the whole thing. She knew right from the start that I value friendships [1] [2] a lot. And I had repeatedly told her before that the best thing I have always wanted is to be friends [1] [2] with each other forever. As I had wanted to ignore her just couple of weeks before then, she felt I would not be so miserable and would pick myself up very easily if she were to break off with me discreetly. She wanted to hurt me. And the only way to do that was to leave the job, the country, and me behind. She was not leaving because of him, but because of making me miserable! I wonder what kind of girl that guy might think he is marrying when that girl had actually wanted another guy to feel miserable about her leaving this other guy, which is me. What kind of choice she had made ?

Anyhow, I had to work hard to get over her insistence on not having a friendship [1] [2], her leaving the job, her leaving the country, and her going for ROM soon. So be it – I just had to work hard at getting over those hurt!

However, the company wanted to keep her, as I (and actually, we) had expected before. And she changed her mind on leaving the job! Because of her inconsiderateness and selfishness, I then had to re-work all my efforts to get over the heartbreak.

Firstly, she had taken me back (again) when I wanted to ignore her,

I felt so heartbroken so many times! I felt my wounds could not heal because she kept scratching at them time and again. What an evil girl!

And later, the ultimate had to happen…

She left me a voice mail [*] [1] [2] [3] [4] – a political one – to tell me that she was staying on the job. Of course, it was only a matter a time before I would get to know about her changing her mind to resign. (In fact, a colleague had already told me she had withdrawn her resignation) There was no real need for her to leave me that voice-mail, saying "…I really hope that if there's any chance that we can become friends.... I know I'm the one who gives up the chance in the first place when you had wanted to give me - a chance - but I did not cherish it. Very sorry. I really hope, in the future, we can become friends again. Huh .... Will you let me ?"

What was that all about ?

She said she had not apologised to me all those while. Well, that was true. And it’s STILL true. I had never gotten an apology from her at all!

How could she leave me that voice mail [*] [1] [2] [3] [4] on 30^th December ? All because she wanted to enjoy her New Year fully ! It was to me, a very disturbing and selfish voice mail [*] [1] [2] [3] [4] !

Hearing the voice mail [*] [1] [2] [3] [4], I realised she indeed knew I was hurt by her! She had inflicted the hurts on me on purpose! And she was still doing that when she left me that voice mail [*] [1] [2] [3] [4].

She bluffed me about everything from the start! But I gave her so many exit points. I was so unhappy because we quarrelled many times over trivial matters and I was always saying sorry to her. Everytime I ignored her, she took me back. No doubt, I cared for her a lot. Was I in the wrong ?

She is now cruel to me unnecessarily. Now I have to suffer alone while she’s about to go for ROM.

This girl is very materialistic [1]. It must be because she was promised a promotion and a pay rise that she decided to stay on the job. And it must be because her of flat that she decided to go for ROM!

Anyway, I was not a willing party but one who wanted to get out or make sense of things many times. But she always took me back. Now that I know she’s so unnecessarily cruel to me, the truths about her past conduct could only surface by themselves. What happened was just harrassments inflicted on me. I will not suffer alone! I tried. And I tried very hard but I guess no guy could take so many hurts from the girl he had cared about so much. And she had always liked to hurt him MORE THAN ONE TIME! And it’s not just twice also.

Yes! That was how it all started in the first place. She rejected me when I first attempted to date her. But the very next morning, she smiled at me very widely. I could only shake my head as I drew myself away from her. I tried to date her again and was rejected again. So, I must have gotten the message, right ? But the very next morning, she phoned me, to my great surprise, for a chat over the phone. So … I was beginning to misunderstand her – I was confused. I chided her. I felt it was uncalled for. I needed time to get over my rejection. But alas! She tried to explain! She kept the communication channel open as I was trying to get over her! Why ?

Never mind. Why then did she call me the morning after a Friday asking what I had wanted to talk to her about when I had already talked to her – and it was for nothing else except for the NTU prosepectus that she had offered to lend my sister ? Well, she did tell me if I had not picked up that prospectus from her that Friday, I could only get it after she had come back from her 1-week leave.

Never mind. So she went to Hong Kong for a tour. Why did she call me from the airport when she was there ? Why did she say she was only going to call her family AFTER talking to me? Why ? Of course, I would feel encouraged. It was only normal, right ?

Never mind. Later, I gave her many exit points. Why couldn’t she leave using one of them ? Why ? I did not take advantage of her. I always respect her. SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.

And why did she choose to drop me those hurts on that Christmas week ? And within one-and-a-half day after the rendezvous at the hotel.

And why did she again choose to drop me some more hurts on 30^th Dec – just before New Year’s Eve ?

First, she surprised and hurt me by saying she was leaving the job.

Then, she surprised and hurt me AGAIN by saying she was staying on the job.

Why me ?! For what ? Why let me know all that. Whether she had wanted to stay or not had nothing to do with me.

Previously, it was that guy called Eugggg. And now it’s me. As she had told another colleague boastfully just before 21^st Nov (my birthday and an early birthday ‘present’ from her), she said she used to attract guys at her previous workplace and not just here. She gave that colleague the impression that I had sent her flowers. When she told me all that, I was very shocked and wanted to break off with her for betraying me and having without any care and consideration for me. She wanted to boast so much. Her excuse to me was that she was eager to find out who spreaded those rumours about us. I said, based on what she was telling me, THAT person was HER herself!

As a HR Officer, she had used whatever info about me and the company on me. She said I had to stay low profile. She used pressure tactics on me to hide our relationship. She also told me if she were to be bullied in the office, other HOD will stand up for her. I have been scared of the consequences for this confession but deep inside my heart, I know my conscience is clear. And that’s enough to see me through. No more hiding. I want to be myself all over again.

Very very very SAD! I want to cry but most of time, I could only grit my teeth…